Long Version

According to some, there is no ADHD. There is only distraction and lack of discipline. Those people would either be ignorant of the subtleties, or gaslighting you. ‘These are not the droids you are looking for.” But I have made a lot of progress and found, you don’t need the prescriptions. They may help but they only mask symptoms and hinder actual progress toward securing better habits toward focus. You don’t need to try fix yourself. Change your life and surroundings to work around it.

But we each have our own path. Maybe I’ll write about mine in the future in a more concise, step-by-step manual but I need to brain dump first.

As the system of systems grinds away malevolently to create unease in our heart, its myriad distractions keep us searching externally for fulfillment. I can see a guiding light in all the chaos. I found a purpose outside myself, of life and in the universe. This more than anything has brought me out of the myre.

It irked me the first time I heard someone say ADHD was a myth. Now I understand where they were coming from. While my variant was probably more along the lines of ADD, a daydreaming fool, I never got diagnosed. That’s both good and bad. I had to learn the hard way. Subsequently, I managed to push away most people and responsibilities until I figured it out. The issue became traumatising and gave rise to disassociation, then depression. Some friends simply left due to my inattentiveness and/or tendencies that proved unattractive to most.

Left to sit for a few years in the pain of isolation, I did manage to finally achieve some resonance within. The stark contrast of that seedling of self-awareness to the unkempt moor of ignorance has felt something like a personal enlightenment of sorts. I wake up elated and looking forward to doing the things I enjoy without feeling like a constant victim of my circumstances and shortcomings. While it will take another lifetime to use the magic superpower to my advantage and start rebuilding connections, network, community, I am at peace, more or less, with myself, being human, my fears, weaknesses and strength.

A broken family takes it’s toll on your spirit. I had no father to protect, or attentive and nurturing mothers to guide my focus toward a specific goal. Not having structure, I had to separate out a part of my psyche to guide and take care of myself. I learned to connect to subconscious through prayer and meditation to cut through the angst, reach into my heart of hearts to uncover the trampled needs and desire. I shouldn’t deny them or be ashamed of them. Self-criticism only makes it worse.

I am writing this as a reminder to myself as well as to any who heed. I want to do and be it all but I cant. I see all these great skills, works, knowledge and admire them, but I can’t be or do all of them. I must chose a path restrained by finite time and resources. I cannot take on infinite projects. As I take care of myself, I have to focus on fewer, more meaningful goals, jobs, projects and keep it simple.

While it isn’t necessarily bad to be a jack of trades, it comes with downsides and makes a statement about who I am. It has definitely impacted who I’ve become. On a chemical level, years of anxious pursuit of half-finished projects, broken commitments, procrastination exposed me to high levels of stress, cortisol and inflammation which took it’s toll on my mind, body and spirit. The negative feedback from self and all the people around me left little room for neurotransmitters associated with feeling good – dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and possibly adrenaline. My demeanor attuned to short-term gratification, flitting from one project to the next as my tolerance, focus, patience and grit waned. It’s a miracle I didn’t become dependent on any drugs or substances. I can thank myself for chosing the natural path, but it sure would have been nice to finish some of the things I set out to do – not that I didn’t, but I wasn’t fully present for many of them, and the people who stood by and watched me bang my head in self-pity.

What the world didn’t tell us growing up was that as a young padawan, we must go against our whims to become a master of something (anything) that’s useful and of benefit to the greater good before we can truly unleash source wizardry, fill our soul with the manly greatness that allows people, tribe, family, community, respect us, love on us, create a place for us at the table as a leader, teacher and provider/savior that makes us feel wanted, connects us.

It takes on average 5-7.5 years of hard work up to 10, 15, 20, 50 years depending on skill, or about 10,000 hours to become a journeyman, jedi/master/teacher/guru.

One of the main areas we have to continue to invest in is our relationship with the person or people that stands by to help us get through it, including time for rest/self care, and that really limits us to just one passion pursuit at a time. For a total of 2-3 throughout our lifetime, but for some just 1. Now, its up to you to stop, search your heart and make a choice.

Do not avoid making said choice, or it will eat at your soul to have unfinished projects, and untapped potential in the realm of the subconscious. You will face your death unfulfilled.