Personal note, as it’s been many years and I’m not sure how many more I’ll be keeping this site around. For now, it’s a good place to purge bad energy and mixed emotions.
The years have been a mix of blah, harsh and some good. I’ve bonded with a few good guy friends who have the genius, patience and kindness to stick around long enough to understand me, walk me through my oddball social interactions and lackluster encounters with women. Though I sometimes encounter a decent ones, toxicity seems far more common, I have to keep it brief and at a distance, else I risk revealing myself, my needs, my general dissatisfaction with women, especially Alaskan ones.
So alone I move on, but with each little measure of progress, some forward, some backward, I discover things about myself, as a single guy, now over 40.
I am doing better than I have in my entire life. Fitness. Health. Self love. Retirement. Career. Yet I don’t desire to network, mingle, flirt, date or even interact. I don’t put myself out there. I don’t meet people much. I don’t sell myself. Quite the opposite. I show people the ugly side, push them away, and convince them I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Ive learned recently that I’ve got to take care of myself. One of the most difficult things in the way of doing that has been trying to understand relationships, communications and my health. The analyzing and study I’ve done is probably worth a degree but I hate talking about me, psychology and the like. I’ve beat that horse to death. To be fair, I’m killing it in all these areas now. I can now work and do things I always had difficulty with now that I’ve cured my migraines, depression, ADD and such. I found most of these issues were co-morbid and fueling my depression and social anxiety. I can analyze and communicate and understand, but it has brought me little in terms of connecting with people because I see in people the part of me that I loathed, the part that assumes, judges, talks without listening, oversimplifies, generalizes.
I spent the first 27 years of my life in the same solitude many orphan souls find themselves, analyzing myself and trying to figure out what I did to deserve the cards I was dealt. In short it was the perception that I was abandoned and unloved. Sure, my environment was stressful, violent, alcohol and drug laden and void of affection, communication and connection, anyone that cared or listened . None of this made sense as a child. Worse yet, I had been under the impression it was all my fault. Fast forward to adulthood. I’ve just started seeing it as generational trauma, out of my control, but the frustration still lingers.
A few months into making some personal progress, in my late 20’s ,to start finding some confidence – October 2007, I met a really nice, intelligent, level-headed, balanced, sane lady. She seemed worth i breaking out of my shell, so I said what the hell. I took a chance, and tried being in a relationship for a bit. I believe she was committed as was I. However, I soon realized being in a relationship wasn’t going to help my healing process, or me to love myself. Especially if that person didn’t understand me. Not that she could or should. She was health and I was damaged.
I had zero doubt she actually loved me, and I loved her. She wanted to be with me, and proba ly felt my pain, but in the end, my broken heart and spirit prevented me from loving myself in the way that could sustain our connection. I needed to work on it. I was just wasting her time, so when she left to travel, I let go.
After that lesson, I realized the work is much harder than expected, and have never pursued anyone since. One lady came around a year later running from a toxic relationship, but upon realizing I wasn’t her safe guy, departed abruptly with another dude. Before I had even recovered, another prospective female came knocking on my door, making an attempt to win my heart by helping me on my homestead. Unfortunately, she was young, and not into learning or understanding my complexities and needs – she had way too many “fun” options to chose from, so she let go easily by moving home, going to school, partying and starting to see other people within a few weeks.
My ego suffered a hit from those experiences, but recovering as I have learned to let go, forgive myself and detest the way people dismiss my needs and me, the way even i dismiss myself and my needs, which often leads to them takingwhat they can and leaving.
Anyway, it isn’t about relationships, the real work is going to take a lifetime to get past and get over. The underlying reason why these attempts fell short of a lasting relationship, and the reason why dating doesn’t seem worth the time, is that inside, I have to feel confident about who I am, what I have to offer.
When I was a kid, people always asked why I was sad. Am I sad?Back then, they knew I had to have a reason, like it wasn’t my fault – I was a kid. It was supposed to be fun. I had no idea I was sad or why they even asked.
“Well.” They said. “It isn’t normal that I didn’t talk or play. So that fueled my self-perception of abnormality into adulthood. Now 30 years later, people just assume quiet
Despite that setback of little to no support, I’m still doing the work. It takes time. When I was 35, I realized my childhood wasnt my fault. Last couple years, I realized I was ignoring my needs. Just a few months ago I realized I’ve had a broken heart and wounded spirit from it all, and I couldn’t tell you a time when it wasn’t so.
Ten years ago, by working on these perspectives, solutions, listening, learning, exploring and adopting new practices, I started having insane visions, dreams and epiphanies, experiencing a new kind of feeling, possibly self-love and elated happiness. The only fear now is if it will last or am I dreaming, and…
Why did it take so long?
But now days, nobody asks what’s the matter. New pople I meet probably even get a little offended that I don’t engage. I seem like a great guy. Why don’t I want to hang out? Why don’t I pursue women? Something must be wrong, they think, so they stop talking to me without ever inquiring. They just assume crazy things, like I am a player. I’m a manipulator, leaving them on read. They fail to comprehend that with all the things I do, that I could just be horrible at pursuing interaction, attention, affection.
I’ve learned to be greatful, live in the moment, do things for myself, find pleasure in talking to people, put on a good personality, but I have to keep them at bay somehow still. I am everything I set out to be, maybe even more.
But really, who cares at this point?